Tag Archives: Lord Laird

Sun, Sex and Suspicious Citizens

Anyone who has heard the hit single by the Vengaboys (so everyone then) will be aware that Ibiza is the place to be. Despite the fact that the plane I flew out on wasn’t run by Venga Airways, the holiday did not disappoint. During the day I spent my time relaxing with the family, but the real party started once Samantha turned in for the night, and the lads and I headed on to the ‘strip’. When I say lads I mean a couple of Conservative policy officers and the guy who does the daily media briefings – I’m sure you can understand that they are where the party is at. Yes it was a tad overwhelming at first (poor Graham from the policy office had to have a bit of a sit down) but once I’d got a few buckets inside me and done that dance from the Inbetweeners movie (in a strictly ironic way you understand), I got into the swing of things.

Alas, this blissful (largely alcohol induced) ignorance didn’t last, and soon I returned to the UK to once again take on the rather overwhelming and frequently awkward task of ‘running the country’. But what am I facing now that I have returned? Well Michael Fallon, a Conservative Minister, has stated that being in a coalition ‘can be tedious.’ Thanks for that revelation Michael, I can see it’s your piercing insight that’s got you to where you are.

The never ending scrutiny of coalition-based gossip aside, the key issue of the moment is once again the secrecy of the state. This has materialised itself in two ways. Firstly, information has been leaked showing the US government working with communication and internet companies to look at private data. I approve of the companies’ reactions – outright denial. This method is probably the approach I favour the most when presented with comprehensive and totally undeniable proof regarding something I would rather not admit to. Put your head in the sand and hope it’ll all just go away. Particular credit has to go to Microsoft who are determinedly continuing with their ‘your privacy is our priority’ ads. Textbook stuff.

The other issue is a little closer to home. People are getting moody that I am attending the annual Bilderberg meeting, which is an opportunity to meet the world’s top dogs without fear of being ‘on the record’. Alright yes it is a lot of very powerful people talking about the future of the world in a completely unaccountable sort of way, and yes this is rather counter to my claim that I would lead the ‘most transparent government in the world’, but I’m pretty sure the people complaining are just annoyed that they haven’t been invited.

Anyway, not that this isn’t all very interesting and important and definitely my job, but I have to admit that right now I’m mainly focussed on my intense holiday withdrawal. Where to go next? It seems that I should have become better friends with Lord Laird – I quite fancy a trip to Fiji.


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