Tag Archives: elections

Swivel On It

Another day, another clash between me and, well, everyone else. This time the ‘everyone else’ are the grassroots campaigners of the Conservative Party. They’ve been getting restless lately, like some sort of mythical monster that hasn’t been fed enough local orphans. The difficulty I face (apart from a lack of orphans), is that they’re favourite dish is a combination of anti-European and anti-gay delicacies. Now this is obviously an area where I and others in the Conservative leadership disagree with them, resulting in some pretty hefty unrest and some highly original name calling. ‘Swivel eyed loons’ is not a term that one tends to hear in everyday conversation but it has become front page news since Lord Feldman chose to brand our own party activists in such a creative way. I’d be angry with him if I wasn’t so impressed with his choice of words.

Clearly then, there is a disconnect between us up here and them down there. There are two possible reasons for this. It could be that they just can’t comprehend the complexities of actually governing the county, with all the different influences you have to consider, and so they are sticking frustratingly to their principles. Sort of like the Lib Dems did until two years ago when they realised they were going to have to compromise (read: crumble) on every policy they’d ever had.

Or it could simply be that Conservative activists are totally mental. Realistically, this is probably the actual reason. Every party has those crazies that they try to hide away. Labour pretends it doesn’t have any mental lefty members crying out for the re-nationalisation of everything. Of course it does. Likewise us Conservatives like to pretend we don’t have any crazy, homophobic, isolationist, xenophobic, old white folk still floating about when in reality that’s actually about 50% of the people who vote for us.

As with most things in life, I was reflecting on how all of this has affected me. There’s no denying that it’s making me look weak. Having to call on Ed Miliband to save the Gay Marriage bill is sort of like asking for help from a wet flannel. Embarrassing. More concerning however is the ever growing presence of UKIP, hanging around like a racist smell only one percentage point below us. Our most swivel eyed supporters may yet choose to take their support further to the right. When the people you rely on to get you elected are pissed off with you, it’s sort of a bad sign for the future

It seems to me that the solution to this issue is not actually to solve it at all, but rather to push focus onto someone else’s incompetence instead. Standard. This also has the added bonus of allowing me to try out my own creative insults. Alright, yes that is my main motivation. What can I say? I’m feeling inspired. Inspired to be a bastard.


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I Love Elections

So. The US Elections. They happened. Now that the dust has settled on what was a rather thrilling race, I thought I would make a stab at a few general ‘lessons learnt’. These types of exercises usually turn out to be fairly uninformative and dull. Chances are this will go the same way. Just to let you know. On the plus side it means I get to do another list, which I really enjoyed last time. Apparently I love lists.

Go Big or Go Home: The US Presidential elections are massive. Collectively the two campaigns spent over two billion dollars. You should probably have a sit down to let that sink in. Feel free to have a little cry if you want. Whatever your thoughts are on the appropriateness of the cash involved, there is no denying that the big budgets involved make the whole thing bloody exciting. They are certainly far more entertaining than anything we can hope to achieve in this country. America had epic stadium rallies; we had lots of people agreeing with Nick (that lasted – JOKES).

That Was Awkward: In our last election we had Gordon Brown complaining about a woman called Sue. In the Presidential election we had Romney writing off half the population of the USA. It would seem that even the slick machines of election are not able to prevent the sort of gaffs that make you want to curl up into a ball and refuse to come out again. Of course I speak as if my party has been without mishaps – we’re just lucky that most of our major cock ups have happened since being elected so there’s not really anything the general public can do about it. Excellent stuff.

The Fame Game: I’m not adverse to celebrity endorsements. I have already shared my love for Heat Magazine, and my inappropriate obsession with Chantelle is only going to grow.  It’s just annoying that America does it so much better than we do. It’s not my fault Jay Z wasn’t my warm up act on the campaign trail (we asked, he said no). Us Brits have to make our own excitement and unfortunately for the Conservative Party that means rolling Boris out on a fairly regular basis to say something inappropriate. That said, at least we weren’t stuck with the dubious endorsement of Kid Rock. Mitt Romney, why?    

Choice? What Choice?: When I say this, I don’t mean the elections were rigged to ensure one candidate got more votes – such things wouldn’t happen in such an established democracy would they? WOULD THEY FLORIDA? Instead I mean that it seems most people outside of the US see Obama as the only viable candidate whereas American’s are split aggressively down the middle over who to vote for. In the UK this is of course because the political spectrum is not as right wing (ignoring about a third of my party of course). Therefore both Conservative voters and Labour voters (and probably Lib Dem ones too, but they don’t really count) pretty much all support the Democrat party. Personally I think that’s quite nice. Yes I am the leader of the Conservative Party but all this arguing just gets exhausting after a while.

Debatable: Romney was completely down and out. Then the first debate happened and suddenly everything changed. He was exciting! He was enthusiastic! He kept lying about all of his policies! But still, he was exciting! In contrast Obama looked like he was napping. Suddenly Romney was back in it (or so was dubiously reported by the world’s media to make people read their articles) and all eyes were on Obama to see if he would place some better (metaphorical) punches in the next round. National debates are an opportunity to connect with millions of voting citizens and I cast my mind back to the surge of popularity that Nick and the Lib Dems appeared to gain at the General Election. Except of course, they didn’t. They did terribly. So basically what I’m saying is: TV debates – who knows?

So there are my thoughts. Nothing that hasn’t already been said many times over, but when has that ever stopped me before?


P.S. If you have yet to read my thoughts on why Obama won (written with extraordinary foresight a few months ago), have a look here.

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Summer Lovin’

When Parliament goes into recess there’s not a great deal going on. Without regular Parliamentary scrutiny it’s sort of like running a dictatorship, so one of the ways I fill my time is to think about all the things I’d do if this was a reality (First job: buy a boat and call it the Dictatorship). The other probably more productive activity is to take a greater interest in the US Presidential Elections. In particular I have developed an unhealthy obsession with President Obama and his apparent ‘coolness’, resulting in a number of uncharacteristically self-aware perceptions about my own general persona. This has led to some interesting occurrences.

I tried to ‘fist bump’ someone this morning. That actually happened. In an attempt to emulate President Obama I presented my curled up fist as an indication of respect to one of the Number 10 staff. I’m not entirely sure what came over me, apart from a new clarity that the ‘Obama Fist Bump’ has become something of a success recently. Other examples include the ‘Obama Hi-Five’ and the ‘Obama Middle Distance Stare’ (otherwise known as the ‘Legolas’). Needless to say the ‘Cameron Fist Bump’ did not go to plan, poor coordination on my part narrowly avoiding accusations of assault.

It’s fair to say that I am concerned. I don’t have a ‘thing’ that defines my coolness, which is a shame because I’m pretty sure I have plenty of cool to go around. Also, as a Conservative if I see something that someone else has, I generally want it too (unless its unemployment – then I just pretend it doesn’t exist). The question, however, is what ‘thing’ to adopt. It’s a tricky one. The ‘Cameron Handshake’ is a bit pants (it’s just a normal handshake). Likewise the ‘Cameron Podgy Forehead’ does not invoke the positive connotations I would like. After a period of sustained but ultimately unsuccessful thought I have turned to my crack creative team (the same ones that brought you The Pasty Tax, and Pasty Tax 2: This Time Its Reversible). I’m still waiting for them to get back to me. It’s been a while.

Returning to our friends across the sea (to which, in a better world, I would be able to sail in the Dictatorship), I do believe I’ve had somewhat of a revelation. If Mitt Romney is to have any real chance at ousting President Obama then he needs to identify and begin aggressively implementing his trademark activity ASAP. As to what that is, I am not sure. One thing is for certain, insulting Olympics that he hasn’t organised probably won’t cut it.

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